HARRY POTTER AND THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

Harry Potter and the Religious Right

Characters

Harry Potter

Priest / Voldemort

Mrs. Petunia Dursley

Story’s Spine

Aunt Petunia gets the hiccups while having an argument with Harry.  She thinks that Harry has cast a hiccup curse upon her and insists that he fixes her.  Since he didn’t cast a hiccup spell on her, and indeed isn't allowed to use magic at all during the summer, he is unable to fix her hiccups.  This proves to Aunt Petunia that his magic is evil and he needs an exorcism.  A priest comes, and even though all of his techniques are silly, they somehow remove all of Harry’s magic.  In the final scene, Voldemort comes to kill Harry Potter but finding out that he got all of his magic stolen becomes sympathetic and does something nice.  Maybe he makes him a milkshake.

Setting

Suburban Living Room w/ Lamp

Scene 1

(Harry Potter is seated and reading a book.  Aunt Petunia is heard from offstage)

Aunt Petunia

HARRY! DO THE DISHES! (Pause)

DO THE DISHES!

HARRY

JUST ONE SECOND!

(Aunt Petunia storms in)

Aunt Petunia

(Grabs the book and throws it)  Don’t you one second me! When I tell/

Harry

But… I just had one p

Aunt Petunia

Don’t you BUT ME! After all we’ve done for you. We brought you in.  We gave you clothes. We put a roof over your head. And what do we get in return. DIRTY DISHES! DIRTY DISHES PILING UP!

Harry

I was just about to/ (Harry begins to ext)

Aunt Petunia

/You weren’t just about to, you’re doing it NOW! Hic.(Aunt Petunia gets the hiccups)  Your’e goin/hic STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU JUST USED MAG/hic MAGIC!

Harry

What? No I didn’t

Aunt Petunia

You did *hic* I saw you! You went like this! ( Does some extravagant spellcasting type movement that didn’t happen) hic

Harry

I can’t use magic during the..

Aunt Petunia

UNDO IT! Hic UNDO IT NOW!

Harry

Undo what?

Aunt Petunia

Hic.  You’ve cursed me, you witch.

Harry

I’ve done no such thing. And witches are girls.

Aunt Petunia

Don’t hic correct me you imp. hic Using magic! In this hic HOUSE!

Harry

Do you want some water?

Aunt Petunia

Hic NO! And if you hic don't fix this right hic now. I will hic shoot you.

Harry

Try holding your breath.

Aunt Petunia

Ahhh, hic Don’t tell me what to do! Go hic to your room. GO!

Harry

I’m not/

Aunt Petunia

GO! (Harry exits)  Hic. I’m under attack hic.  Gods turned his hic back on that boy hic.

Scene 2

(Harry and Aunt Petunia in living room)

Harry

You can’t do this, it isn’t right.

Aunt Petunia

Now, you are telling me what is right in my own home?! You ungrateful brat.

Harry

It won’t work anyway, it’s not real like ma/

(enter Priest)

Priest

Good Morning Petunia, and you must be Harry.

Harry

You stay away from me, I’ll have nothing to do with you. (Tries to run away but Aunt Petunia grabs him.)

Priest

Ah, we got ourselves  a real fighter, help me tie him to this chair so I can do my work.

(Aunt Petunia’s hand covers Harry’s mouth as he tries to yell as he is tied to the chair and gagged)

Aunt Petunia

I saw a movie about this once.  The Exorcist.  It was terrifying, do you think this will be as bad?

Priest

No need to be frightened Mrs. Dursley, exorcising magic is much more peaceful than exorcising a demon.

Aunt Petunia

So his head won’t go spinning or levitating?

Priest

No

Aunt Petunia

How frightfully dull, but magic is still terribly dangerous.  I raised a good religious boy but all of this magic is ruining him.

Priest

Don’t worry, he is still young, if your faith is strong this should be a quick fix. (Takes out holy water and splashes some on Harry) hmm, he isn’t reacting. Could you microwave this real quick. (Aunt Petunia goes out) Oh yes, I can see the magic welling up in his eyes. (Takes out rosary and begins Hail Mary while Petunia returns) Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with the thee, blessed art thou

Petunia

Here you are, is it working?

Priest

You cannot rush the Lord.

Petunia

Oh, right, of course not. Can I be helpful?

Priest

Take over the rosary for me and hand me the water. (They exchange items)

Petunia

 (The priest splashes Harry with the holy water, it is burning hot)

Priest

Ahh, you see, it hurts because it is fighting the magic.

Petunia

Well isn’t that lovely. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us SINNERS!, now and at the hour of our DEATH. Amen.

Priest

It’s working (Lights begin to flicker). (Priest takes out cross and Harry begins to convulse) Quickly, the magic is about to leave him, we need something to catch it.  (Petunia begins running frantically around the room, finally decides to hand the lamp to the priest.  The priest touches the lamp to Harry’s forehead and he loses consciousness).

Petunia

What happened?  Is he okay?

Priest

The boy is fine, all of the magic has been removed from his body and put into this lamp.

Petunia

Is it dangerous?

Priest

Dangerous? No.  It’s a clapper now. (Claps twice and the lamp comes on) See. Doesn’t even have to be plugged in. (Claps Twice and the light turns off)

Petunia

Praise Be the Lord!  Is there nothing he can’t do?

Priest

Indeed, so if you would like I can put a year warranty on the lamp, so if it breaks and the magic explodes I can come and clean your house up at no additional charge.

Petunia

Oh, that won’t be necessary.  I keep a very clean house

Priest

Well, it looks like all of my work has been done here, shall you be paying with cash or card?

Petunia

By Check.  (Aunt Petunia starts writing a check to a smiling priest while Harry remains unconscious in the background)

Scene 3

(Harry is sitting reading a book)

Petunia

HARRY! DO THE DISHES!

Harry

(Sets down book and heads off) COMING!

(Aunt Petunia enters and sits down)

Petunia

Ahh, it is nice to finally be able to be comfortable in my own home again. (Reaches behind the chair and pulls out a foot bath, sets her feet in and picks up Harry’s book.)  

(Poof of smoke and Voldemort appears)

Voldemort

Where is he, where is the boy?

Petunia

Excuse me, it’s very rude to just come barging in.  You get out of here right now.  This is a no magic household!

Voldemort

HAHAHA.  Silence Muggle. SILENCE!(Casts spell that prevents Petunia from talking  despite her best efforts.)  Now.  Where is the boy? WHERE IS HE! Oh yeah… (Unmagics her)Speak! Now WHERE!

Petunia

He is a good boy doing the dishes, and if you dare use magic again I will have an exorcism for you too.

Voldemort

What? You great fool. You have made yourself defenseless against me.

Petunia

Ohh, big scary man.  Waves his wand around and thinks he’s one hot potato. Well, Ill tell you buster, we will be having none of that.

Voldemort

BWAHAHA! Thanks for the lecture. AVAD/ (Harry enters)

Harry

What’s going on ouAHHHHHHHHHHH. (swoons and faints)

Petunia

HARRY!!! (runs over to body)

Voldemort

What the… hey get up.  Did he die? Get up, I’m trying to kill you.

Petunia

What? Why would you kill my boy, he is a good boy now.

Voldemort

Can you wake him up? He needs to be awake for me to kill him. Last time I tried killing him with a mother cradling him it just all went to shit.

Petunia

(Standing up) You don’t have to kill him.  (Goes over to lamp)  Here take it.  I know this is what you are really after.

Voldemort

Why would I want a lamp?

Petunia

That isn’t just a lamp.  That has all of Harry’s magic in it.  It is yours just leave.

Voldemort

I…you want me to take a lamp?  A lamp? Not sweet sweet vengeance for the downfall of my empire. This dainty little lamp.

Petunia

It’s magic. Look, the priest did it. (Claps twice and the lamp turns on)

Voldemort

HA. You call that magic. That is 2 easy payments of $19.99.  This is magic. (Sets lamp on floor next to him. Makes lights flickers and change colors.)

Petunia

AHHH!!!!!! STOP THE MAGIC! STOP THE MAGIC!

Voldemort

BE GONE! (Lights peak in intensity and then he uses magic to push her into other room, then goes and tries to lift up Harry)

Come on, Rise and shine (Raises Harry to standing position) Up and At em (Slaps Harry’s face and he starts to come to.) Good Boy.

Harry

What’s going on?

Voldemort

Well, Im here to kill you, so you went, “OOOEWW, I’m Harry Potter, My face hurts. Meemeememeememee.” And then you laid down.

Harry

You’re an ass, Voldemort.

Voldemort

Just saying kid, that’s you to a T.  Any last words? (Aunt Petunia enters with gun behind Voldemort)

Harry

I’m never going to finish my book.

Petunia

NO MAGIC IN THE HOUSE! (shoots the lamp, which explodes. Killing Voldemort dramatically.)  

Harry

Holy Shit Aunt Petunia! You killed him, you killed Voldemort.

Petunia

It was within my rights.  I have it posted outside. No Trespassing! No Magic!

Harry

Aunt Petunia, you don’t understand, you just ended an era of oppression and fear for the entire wizarding world.

Petunia

I’m calling 911, now would you please go do the dishes! (Harry scampers off. Dials on phone) Hello I’d like to report a home invasion.

(End)